Long-short.

These days are long-short. Or maybe short-long?

Some moments are slooooooow and minutes tick by and I distract myself with making more lists of things I probably definitely will not get done before he is here. And I think, “Will he EVER GET HERE?!” and I impatiently tap my swelling feet and half-heartedly watch reality TV while wondering if I will ever, ever fit into that blue pencil skirt again.

But then…he kicks! And kicks harder! And OMG that is a Braxton Hicks contraction!  And things feel a little…different somehow, like  people, we are getting somewhere and that means he is COMING and that means he will BE HERE…like forever which I mean, don’t get me wrong, it is about time!!! …but EEK we are not ready not ready not ready…and I awake at 3 a.m. wide-eyed and full of panic and mentally list 5 things we must do today—why haven’t we done that already?!— and I toss and turn as he jabs me in the ribcage. Again.

But then…I am sitting at the doctor’s office and she says, “See that lump above your belly button? That is his bum!” and I instantly melt and think, “HE IS A GENIUS! Isn’t that the most wonderful baby lump you have EVER SEEN?!” and I beam and very ungracefully wiggle off the chair and check my watch and sigh and she says, “See you next week!” and I think well, maybe...but maybe not.

Prep work.

Things are getting real around this place.

Belly=growing.
Excitement/anxiety=mounting.
Emotions=intensifying (Adam's, obviously. ha!)

I am actually walking away from friend gatherings with the knowledge that we may not see each other until after he is born. (!!!!!!)

I have a million, zillion things on my to-do list but know very well that they may not get done in time. I also know that none of them are actually super important. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to cross things off the list. (Of course, this is a bit challenging when one falls asleep in front of the TV for two hours in the evening. Whoops.)

And I have to be honest--there is a small part of me that thinks that if we just try harder, we will be able to clean up every aspect of our lives in an orderly, responsible way and that will thereby ensure the success of us as parents and human beings.

This means that in addition to baby prep things (setting up crib, unpacking nursery, figuring out how to use mysterious baby items, etc.), I would also like to re-organize our budget, deep clean the house, become an excellent cook, and just generally, you know, get it together.

In seven weeks.

I knoooooow, you guys. I know this is totally insane and ridiculous. And really "together" people could be totally terrible parents, anyway. And besides, all you really need is to love that little munchkin and everything will all work out.

But still.

It is just such a strange time--this very brief time we have left pre-baby. A period of waiting, wanting, expecting, dreaming, fearing.

It is a time spent testing the Mom and Dad waters as we make decisions about the little one's first days. A time spent meeting with nurses who look to us to make these decisions. And we nod slowly, and look at each other and say, "Uhhh yes? That is a good idea?" and inside we are like "OH MY GOSH we just made a legit parental decision. Is this really happening?!"

It is a time of feeling very young, very uncertain, very much looking to our own parents for encouraging words and "what do we do about this?!" and little pats on the back.

And it is those little moments of realizing that my very own parents went through this too and so did theirs and so did theirs. And it is up to all of us to figure it out on our own a bit, yes, but also to reach out and say "Help!" and consider that maybe it is actually a good thing to feel a bit unqualified.

Because it is only then that we humble ourselves.

And it isn't about having the perfect home or perfect financial record or whitest teeth or beautifully designed nursery.

It is about creating the village that will raise this child. A child already so, so loved.

A child that is coming soon!

A child that we await with great expectation and hope.

(And dusty floors and dirty laundry, too.)

Lately loving:

• Peeking in the baby's room and thinking HE IS COMING! HE IS COMING! HE IS COMING!
• A season to catch our collective breath (aka watch a lot of Netflix)
• Baby kicks!
• Date nights in and out--gotta take advantage of these last few weeks
• Watching Adam talk to my (HUGE) belly

While walking through the grocery store:

Random man in the aisle: That a boy?

Husband and I: ?

Me (after realizing he was referring to my pregnant belly): Oh. Yes! We are having a boy!

Man: Yeah. Thought so. Hmm. I think he is going to be born on a famous person's birthday.

Me: Oh yeah? Hmm. We'll see. (smiling and thinking "Isn't that EVERY DAY?!")

Man: Yep. And I think (tilts head)...I think he may be a scientist.

Me: Oh! Wow! Maybe so...

Man (as husband and I scurry away): Hope you're listening to lots of classical music!



Oh, pregnancy.

Gracious Uncertainty.

I have been carrying around some thoughts that I read awhile ago and have continued to resonate with me.

On days when things seem a little too much I will hit pause, take a deep breath and read it again.

Gracious uncertainty. "To be certain in our uncertainty."

Such a funny idea in today's plucky world of control and general having-it-all-together-ness.

But in these days of preparing for baby, of crib-building (!) and tummy-kicking (!!!), of life struggles and Unknowns in many forms, I turn to this passage on my worn folded piece of paper and exhale a bit.

For who can say what tomorrow will bring? Or what He is going to do next?

Stream of consciousness: pregnancy edition.

Ooh! I think I just felt the baby kick!
Was that a baby kick?
Maybe I'm just hungry.
No, that was definitely a kick!!!!!
AAAAH! A BABY KICK!!!
I might as well eat a snack though...
I wonder if I'm gaining too much weight.
I wonder if I'm gaining too little weight.
I wonder if this little guy will look like me.
I can't wait to see Adam as a dad.
We need to put the nursery together.
Ugh! I can't eat one more bite of this. I think I'm going to be sick.
Please don't let me throw up.
I think I'm going to throw up.
Ew. Who is making Indian food for lunch?!
I think I could sleep sitting up if I just closed my eyes...
I wonder if I'm sleeping enough.
OMG WE ARE HAVING A BABY!
What if I'm not a good mom?!
I hope he has chubby cheeks.
Oh crap. I forgot I have to actually give birth.
...Don't think about it...don't think about it...
I think I'm hungry again.

The best days.

It is spring and everyone is abuzz with a little extra energy. The sun is shining! Flowers are blooming! THE SNOW IS GONE, HALLELUJAH!

Last night, I spent time in a college town and witnessed what seemed like the entire population swell up in end-of-finals celebration.

And I remembered that time. That feeling. When it seemed like we were all on the same page, more or less. All poor. All looking for fun. All at the beginning.

And so many people would say wistfully to us, "Oh enjoy this time! Those were the best days!"

And we would all pause for a bit, tilt our heads and smile uncertainly--not quite sure whether to feel happy or sad. And then we would turn back to our friends, looking for another laugh.

And it was nice last night, to be surrounded by so many in that place of their lives. To remember. And to sit surrounded by the boisterous hubbub and sloshing drinks and flirtatious laughs.

And in the midst of it all, to rub my swelling baby belly, sip my water, and sit across from my best friend as tears welled up in her eyes as she said, "You know, even on the bad days, when my kids are screaming and my husband and I are at each other's throats, these are the best days."

And there is something really wonderful about finding those little gifts to be thankful for in the midst of days and times and seasons that perhaps don't look exactly planned. And to wiggle around in the uncomfortableness of change and uncertainty and turn a blind eye to the Daunting Unknown and pluck the Good and even the Good-Enough from the now.

And to be able to say in truth, that these are the best days, and to hope that the best days are always, ever happening right now.

Thought(s).

I have been thinking pretty much one thing these days:

Baby I'm having a baby we're having a baby baby baby!...

It is a hurry up and wait time. A how do we prepare for this?!?! time. A hey, pssst! can you believe this? time.

It is not all roses. Truth be told, it has been harder than I thought. But it is a special time and that can be felt even through the hard days.

It is a looking ahead time as we prepare for our family to grow. It is a quiet wondering time, considering what is in store for this little one of ours. It is a dreaming time, a questioning time, a frantic "we have so much left to do!" time. A time that feels like we know the very best big secret.

It is a time pre-change and yet, in just these few short months, it is undeniable that change has very much begun.

It is a time I am trying to rest in, to let be what will be, to shove some clutter under a chair and welcome friends in with a weary smile and say, "Whew! Life! You know?"

It is a time we will never quite have again. This small, intense, blink of our lives.

This is the time we spend awaiting our first born son.

...a baby baby baby! BOY!

On breaking the silence.

So, you know how sometimes, if you haven't said anything for awhile, it just gets harder and harder to open your mouth?

You have to clear your throat a bit and squeak out a phrase or two. And sometimes your eyes water. And almost always (if you are me, at least) no matter what you say sounds awkward.

But here I am! Back after quite a break. And wondering where to begin.

I think I will start with HI friends!!! I have missed you!

A lot of life has happened since we've last crossed paths, for me, and for you, too, I imagine.

Let me just list out a few things and squeak out a few awkward phrases and then we can get back to usual awkwardness sometime soon. Okay? Okay.

Life updates:
1. WE ARE HAVING A BABY! Yeah, I know. This is a HUGE FREAKING DEAL! And it is just now that I am (sometimes, maybe?) coming out of my four month nausea coma that I can truly appreciate the awesome, bizarre reality of this! There is a BABY. Growing RIGHT NOW. Below my belly button! Holy moley. This is pretty much all I think about these days. This week, the baby can hear my voice and even recognize loud noises (!). It is pretty awesome. It is also terrifying and exhilarating and still a teeeeeensy bit unbelievable to tell you the truth. Even with my growing belly and many icky mornings. Don't even get me started about how to prepare for a child. I mean, NO PRESSURE, right?! But then I just remember my Dad patting my back and saying, "Just think about how many people have done this." And then I exhale a little bit. Dads are the best. (p.s. If you try to tell me a crazy birth story between now and September, I will cover my ears. And maybe karate chop you. Don't you do it.)

2. Is there anything else to really say after #1?

3. Okay fine. We also moved! Goodbye, so long, farewell to the apartment with obnoxiously green walls! And sloping floors! And the setting of The Bat Incident (shudder, shudder). We don't miss you! I mean, yeah, a house takes some getting used to, but we have a DISHWASHER! And a LAUNDRY ROOM! And now a BABY room! Soooo yeah. Great development.

4. Between working, being in grad school, volunteering and collapsing into bed each night, that is pretty much the full life update. Sometimes I even go to the grocery store!!! I KNOW. I am SO EXCITING!  Except tonight I actually AM so exciting because I get to go on a date night to celebrate three years (!!!) of marriage. We might even stay out past 10. Watch OUT!

5. Not to turn all mushy but I just have to say that if I didn't love my husband before this little baby then I sure would love him now! He is great. He tells me nice things even on days when "getting ready" includes only "pretending to brush my hair" and "putting on deodorant while curled into a fetal position." He also cleaned out this super disgusting bowl of old cupcake batter last night and didn't even get mad at me for leaving it in the fridge for um, a long time. And he pretty much unpacked our whole entire house. Soooo yeah. You guys. My husband has had a really terrible roommate lately and he STILL LIKES ME. At least I think so. He may be slightly afraid of my hormones to tell me the truth.

6. My friend got married this weekend. They got a standing ovation. I can't even think about it without tearing up. You should read her story. It was the most beautiful day.

Happy rainy Wednesday friends. I hope this finds you well.