Thought(s).

I have been thinking pretty much one thing these days:

Baby I'm having a baby we're having a baby baby baby!...

It is a hurry up and wait time. A how do we prepare for this?!?! time. A hey, pssst! can you believe this? time.

It is not all roses. Truth be told, it has been harder than I thought. But it is a special time and that can be felt even through the hard days.

It is a looking ahead time as we prepare for our family to grow. It is a quiet wondering time, considering what is in store for this little one of ours. It is a dreaming time, a questioning time, a frantic "we have so much left to do!" time. A time that feels like we know the very best big secret.

It is a time pre-change and yet, in just these few short months, it is undeniable that change has very much begun.

It is a time I am trying to rest in, to let be what will be, to shove some clutter under a chair and welcome friends in with a weary smile and say, "Whew! Life! You know?"

It is a time we will never quite have again. This small, intense, blink of our lives.

This is the time we spend awaiting our first born son.

...a baby baby baby! BOY!

On breaking the silence.

So, you know how sometimes, if you haven't said anything for awhile, it just gets harder and harder to open your mouth?

You have to clear your throat a bit and squeak out a phrase or two. And sometimes your eyes water. And almost always (if you are me, at least) no matter what you say sounds awkward.

But here I am! Back after quite a break. And wondering where to begin.

I think I will start with HI friends!!! I have missed you!

A lot of life has happened since we've last crossed paths, for me, and for you, too, I imagine.

Let me just list out a few things and squeak out a few awkward phrases and then we can get back to usual awkwardness sometime soon. Okay? Okay.

Life updates:
1. WE ARE HAVING A BABY! Yeah, I know. This is a HUGE FREAKING DEAL! And it is just now that I am (sometimes, maybe?) coming out of my four month nausea coma that I can truly appreciate the awesome, bizarre reality of this! There is a BABY. Growing RIGHT NOW. Below my belly button! Holy moley. This is pretty much all I think about these days. This week, the baby can hear my voice and even recognize loud noises (!). It is pretty awesome. It is also terrifying and exhilarating and still a teeeeeensy bit unbelievable to tell you the truth. Even with my growing belly and many icky mornings. Don't even get me started about how to prepare for a child. I mean, NO PRESSURE, right?! But then I just remember my Dad patting my back and saying, "Just think about how many people have done this." And then I exhale a little bit. Dads are the best. (p.s. If you try to tell me a crazy birth story between now and September, I will cover my ears. And maybe karate chop you. Don't you do it.)

2. Is there anything else to really say after #1?

3. Okay fine. We also moved! Goodbye, so long, farewell to the apartment with obnoxiously green walls! And sloping floors! And the setting of The Bat Incident (shudder, shudder). We don't miss you! I mean, yeah, a house takes some getting used to, but we have a DISHWASHER! And a LAUNDRY ROOM! And now a BABY room! Soooo yeah. Great development.

4. Between working, being in grad school, volunteering and collapsing into bed each night, that is pretty much the full life update. Sometimes I even go to the grocery store!!! I KNOW. I am SO EXCITING!  Except tonight I actually AM so exciting because I get to go on a date night to celebrate three years (!!!) of marriage. We might even stay out past 10. Watch OUT!

5. Not to turn all mushy but I just have to say that if I didn't love my husband before this little baby then I sure would love him now! He is great. He tells me nice things even on days when "getting ready" includes only "pretending to brush my hair" and "putting on deodorant while curled into a fetal position." He also cleaned out this super disgusting bowl of old cupcake batter last night and didn't even get mad at me for leaving it in the fridge for um, a long time. And he pretty much unpacked our whole entire house. Soooo yeah. You guys. My husband has had a really terrible roommate lately and he STILL LIKES ME. At least I think so. He may be slightly afraid of my hormones to tell me the truth.

6. My friend got married this weekend. They got a standing ovation. I can't even think about it without tearing up. You should read her story. It was the most beautiful day.

Happy rainy Wednesday friends. I hope this finds you well.

On waiting.

Thinking about waiting a lot these days.

Waiting...with hope. With expectation. With bated breath.

Sometimes it feels more like, waiting...with hope? With expectation? With bated breath?

And sometimes waiting with bated breath and little hope. And sometimes with diehard hope but uncertain expectation. And sometimes surprising myself with hope. And sometimes feeling guilty for not having enough. And sometimes not even really knowing what I'm waiting for.

And it's a funny thing, this waiting.

Because it seems like it wouldn't be so bad, if I just knew how long it would last.

But alas. Despite the many, many remarkable achievements of our time, we cannot outmaneuver waiting.

And oh, how dreadful it can be! How many tears, how many stomachs churn, how many sleepless nights, how many, many what ifs...?, how many broken hearts.

And do you know, there is a part of me that wants to stop there and shake my first and say SEE?! Do you see, world? Do you see, God? Do you see, everyone? DO YOU SEE what we all must go through at one time or another? Who is responsible for this mess?!

Somebody, DO SOMETHING!!!

But then...

There is this tiny voice. This whisper of a thing. And it's both a comfort and an annoyance. Inexplicable and profound. Maddening and anchoring.

And it doesn't offer neat answers or judgements or explain away the hard truths.

But somehow, against all odds, it flickers on.

Point of view.

When it comes to school, my 4th grade perfectionist pops up way. too. often. This is increasingly clear when discussing "academic issues" with my dear husband who is totally a perfectionist in his own way...but who gawks at me open-mouthed after I merely suggest that my teacher is being totally and utterly ridiculous by suggesting a REVIEW should not include PERSONAL OPINIONS because correct me if I'm wrong but ISN'T THAT THE DEFINITION OF A REVIEW?!...to which Adam said, "Yeah, so, how many points did you lose on this assignment, exactly?" and I said "Well, none exactly, but that isn't the point because as you can see here on the rubric he almost took half a point off and that is completely unwarranted AM I RIGHT?" to which he says, "....." "...????...." and then just shakes his head.

In totally unrelated news, I think I may be a tad sensitive to criticism?

Scramble.

These days are running to-and-fro days, long days, checking-things-off-lists days. It's early mornings, coffee, homework, what is this stain on my shirt?, Jimmy Johns Mondays, did we pay that bill?, clean the bathroom, drat, we're out of peanut butter, and did you tell your best friend happy birthday and what are we going to do for Thanksgiving?!

I don't always know which end is up and every week seems like the longest shortest week ever.  I usually want to go around hugging everyone when we get to Friday because YOU GUYS. WE MADE IT TO FRIDAY! I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!!! ...but how is it November tomorrow already?

It's fun to step back a bit and get some perspective--to stop and think, wow, can you believe it? We are doing things we've always wanted to do! Can you believe we get this opportunity--opportunities?

And we say man, it is worth it (but sometimes it is more like It is worth it? and the other says Yeah! It is worth it. Right? and the other one says Yeah. It really is. and the other one says Yeah. It is. and we keep going.)

And then sometimes when we get back in the midst of those things we think--wow, can you believe it? Doing these things takes some sacrifice. And this is awesome and hard and not quite what I thought.  Also, can you please make more coffee? And I will pay you one hundred million dollars if you rub my sore shoulders.

And there are times of dreaming of What May Be and times of looking around and thinking hey, apartment with the bright green walls and sloping floors and work that leaves us cranky sometimes and looooooong days and packed schedules and nights of eating handfuls of chocolate chips because HOW IS THERE NOTHING TO EAT IN THIS PLACE???...

These days, this mad dash, it is ours and it is right now and it is kind of the best.

On fences.

I don't remember many specifics from our premarital counseling sessions (except for tons and tons of feeeeeeeliiiiiinggggs...which I will spare you) but there is one conversation that I think about from time to time and I'm warning you now it is a visual metaphor. I know. You are welcome in advance.

So there we were, about to get hitched and up to our eyeballs in excitement and to-do lists and expectations and okay fine, a bit of terror too (Exhibit A).

And every Wednesday at 4:30 we sat nervously awaiting the insider tips on How to Not Ruin Each Other's Life But Rather, How to Still Love and Really, Genuinely Like Each Other in 50 + Years.

This day in particular, as we discussed Our Relationship, we were given some homework.

"I want you to think about what kind of fence you want to build," we were told with immediate question marks flooding our eyes.

She elaborated, "Think of your relationship as a garden. And surrounding this garden is a fence. There is no right fence or wrong fence to put around the garden, but there a lot of options.  Your fence could be thick and tall and sturdy so that no one else could ever peek inside your garden. Or, you could have a tiny, flimsy plastic fence with big holes so that your garden is easily seen by nearly anyone. You could have a chain link fence, a big fence, a little fence. It is up to you. Choose carefully. What kind of fence will you build?"

And we talked about it then and we've talked about it since. And for some reason, it's been a helpful image.  One that sticks with me and resurfaces now and then. One that has helped us think about our marriage, and in many respects, has helped me think about other relationships as well.

Perhaps you are thinking, "Well, the choice is obvious! Fences should be ___!" But you see, there are advantages and disadvantages to each. Large, sturdy, hole-less fences are durable and they will certainly keep people out. This can be a very good thing! People are very nosy, after all, and is it really any of their business what you are growing? And what if all your plants fail? Or they tell you your watering technique is all wrong?

But, then again, gardens are beautiful! And why not share some of that beauty with others? After all, maybe they will have really great tips on how to keep the weeds out. They may even inspire you to have an even better garden.

And maybe you are thinking, "What's the big deal? It's just a fence!"

But more and more, I'm realizing that fences matter.

For a fence is going to be built one way or another. You might as well put a little thought into it.

To thine own self be true.

S: So I'm throwing this stuff away. Pretty sure it's not good anymore. And our milk is expired.

A: Okay.

S: I think I'm going to throw this squash away too...?

A: Okay.

S: ...I mean, it may still be good. I don't know. I'm not sure how you tell. I guess maybe we could keep it?

A: Sara. Let's be honest. What are we going to do with a squash???

S: You are so right.