On waiting.

Thinking about waiting a lot these days.

Waiting...with hope. With expectation. With bated breath.

Sometimes it feels more like, waiting...with hope? With expectation? With bated breath?

And sometimes waiting with bated breath and little hope. And sometimes with diehard hope but uncertain expectation. And sometimes surprising myself with hope. And sometimes feeling guilty for not having enough. And sometimes not even really knowing what I'm waiting for.

And it's a funny thing, this waiting.

Because it seems like it wouldn't be so bad, if I just knew how long it would last.

But alas. Despite the many, many remarkable achievements of our time, we cannot outmaneuver waiting.

And oh, how dreadful it can be! How many tears, how many stomachs churn, how many sleepless nights, how many, many what ifs...?, how many broken hearts.

And do you know, there is a part of me that wants to stop there and shake my first and say SEE?! Do you see, world? Do you see, God? Do you see, everyone? DO YOU SEE what we all must go through at one time or another? Who is responsible for this mess?!

Somebody, DO SOMETHING!!!

But then...

There is this tiny voice. This whisper of a thing. And it's both a comfort and an annoyance. Inexplicable and profound. Maddening and anchoring.

And it doesn't offer neat answers or judgements or explain away the hard truths.

But somehow, against all odds, it flickers on.

Point of view.

When it comes to school, my 4th grade perfectionist pops up way. too. often. This is increasingly clear when discussing "academic issues" with my dear husband who is totally a perfectionist in his own way...but who gawks at me open-mouthed after I merely suggest that my teacher is being totally and utterly ridiculous by suggesting a REVIEW should not include PERSONAL OPINIONS because correct me if I'm wrong but ISN'T THAT THE DEFINITION OF A REVIEW?!...to which Adam said, "Yeah, so, how many points did you lose on this assignment, exactly?" and I said "Well, none exactly, but that isn't the point because as you can see here on the rubric he almost took half a point off and that is completely unwarranted AM I RIGHT?" to which he says, "....." "...????...." and then just shakes his head.

In totally unrelated news, I think I may be a tad sensitive to criticism?

Scramble.

These days are running to-and-fro days, long days, checking-things-off-lists days. It's early mornings, coffee, homework, what is this stain on my shirt?, Jimmy Johns Mondays, did we pay that bill?, clean the bathroom, drat, we're out of peanut butter, and did you tell your best friend happy birthday and what are we going to do for Thanksgiving?!

I don't always know which end is up and every week seems like the longest shortest week ever.  I usually want to go around hugging everyone when we get to Friday because YOU GUYS. WE MADE IT TO FRIDAY! I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!!! ...but how is it November tomorrow already?

It's fun to step back a bit and get some perspective--to stop and think, wow, can you believe it? We are doing things we've always wanted to do! Can you believe we get this opportunity--opportunities?

And we say man, it is worth it (but sometimes it is more like It is worth it? and the other says Yeah! It is worth it. Right? and the other one says Yeah. It really is. and the other one says Yeah. It is. and we keep going.)

And then sometimes when we get back in the midst of those things we think--wow, can you believe it? Doing these things takes some sacrifice. And this is awesome and hard and not quite what I thought.  Also, can you please make more coffee? And I will pay you one hundred million dollars if you rub my sore shoulders.

And there are times of dreaming of What May Be and times of looking around and thinking hey, apartment with the bright green walls and sloping floors and work that leaves us cranky sometimes and looooooong days and packed schedules and nights of eating handfuls of chocolate chips because HOW IS THERE NOTHING TO EAT IN THIS PLACE???...

These days, this mad dash, it is ours and it is right now and it is kind of the best.

On fences.

I don't remember many specifics from our premarital counseling sessions (except for tons and tons of feeeeeeeliiiiiinggggs...which I will spare you) but there is one conversation that I think about from time to time and I'm warning you now it is a visual metaphor. I know. You are welcome in advance.

So there we were, about to get hitched and up to our eyeballs in excitement and to-do lists and expectations and okay fine, a bit of terror too (Exhibit A).

And every Wednesday at 4:30 we sat nervously awaiting the insider tips on How to Not Ruin Each Other's Life But Rather, How to Still Love and Really, Genuinely Like Each Other in 50 + Years.

This day in particular, as we discussed Our Relationship, we were given some homework.

"I want you to think about what kind of fence you want to build," we were told with immediate question marks flooding our eyes.

She elaborated, "Think of your relationship as a garden. And surrounding this garden is a fence. There is no right fence or wrong fence to put around the garden, but there a lot of options.  Your fence could be thick and tall and sturdy so that no one else could ever peek inside your garden. Or, you could have a tiny, flimsy plastic fence with big holes so that your garden is easily seen by nearly anyone. You could have a chain link fence, a big fence, a little fence. It is up to you. Choose carefully. What kind of fence will you build?"

And we talked about it then and we've talked about it since. And for some reason, it's been a helpful image.  One that sticks with me and resurfaces now and then. One that has helped us think about our marriage, and in many respects, has helped me think about other relationships as well.

Perhaps you are thinking, "Well, the choice is obvious! Fences should be ___!" But you see, there are advantages and disadvantages to each. Large, sturdy, hole-less fences are durable and they will certainly keep people out. This can be a very good thing! People are very nosy, after all, and is it really any of their business what you are growing? And what if all your plants fail? Or they tell you your watering technique is all wrong?

But, then again, gardens are beautiful! And why not share some of that beauty with others? After all, maybe they will have really great tips on how to keep the weeds out. They may even inspire you to have an even better garden.

And maybe you are thinking, "What's the big deal? It's just a fence!"

But more and more, I'm realizing that fences matter.

For a fence is going to be built one way or another. You might as well put a little thought into it.

To thine own self be true.

S: So I'm throwing this stuff away. Pretty sure it's not good anymore. And our milk is expired.

A: Okay.

S: I think I'm going to throw this squash away too...?

A: Okay.

S: ...I mean, it may still be good. I don't know. I'm not sure how you tell. I guess maybe we could keep it?

A: Sara. Let's be honest. What are we going to do with a squash???

S: You are so right.

White flag. (Red flag?)

Some days, you just have to ignore the (VERY LARGE) yogurt stain on your skirt and break your $20 bill to eat peanut M&Ms from the vending machine. At 10:38 a.m.

Today is that kind of day.

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

Adjusting:

-Schedules (a.k.a. what threw up all over our Google Calendar??!)
-Expectations (from "what constitutes dinner" to "clean-ish living space" to "quality time")
-Attitude (mine)
-Time management (i.e. Stop watching so much Parks and Rec, Sara!!!)

Also:
-Reading a lot of PolitiFact (p.s. You guys have heard about isidewith.com right?)
-Wondering when will I ever replace our dead plant? Goal: by Thanksgiving. Surely I can make that happen.
-Bizarrely, being questioned twice in the last two weeks about my "recent name change" and I'm like "oh, yes, you mean the name I changed in 2010?!?!" YEESH. (note: see #3 above)
-Wondering how to "not only love much but well."

.....pssst! Have any great fall recipes to share? Bonus points if they feed my sweet tooth! 

Quotable.

"A happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short."

-According to this book I am reading, this is an Amish saying (page 193). According to the Google search I just did, it is credited to Andre Maurois. Either way (or perhaps both/and?), I like it.

Inspiration.

Hi blog. I miss you. Almost as much as I miss my summer freedom. But I won't talk about that because Sara, summer is gone. It is fall.

And that's okay because I have so many reasons to give thanks! Opportunities. Provision. Community. A joy-full season of marriage. So many reasons.

And so we are trying to re-order our lives a bit and make some improvements and everything is a bit clunky and well, some days, we just drink more coffee and push through.

I could tell you about a lot of things but instead I think I'll just share with you the latest phrase I have scribbled on a Post It and taped on my computer at work.

I borrowed it from someone I greatly admire and have never (and likely will never) meet in person. I just follow her blog and am constantly amazed at her strength, beauty, and most of all unwavering faith in the midst of rather nightmare-ish circumstances. You can follow her blog here. And you should. You really, really should.

Anyway, I feel a little silly borrowing this from her because if you read her blog you will be inspired and if you read my blog you will know what season of Teen Mom I am currently watching (4) and who makes the best dipped cones (Dairy Queen. OMG. No contest.). Ahem. One of these things is not like the other...

Lest this preface drag on even more, here it is:

Do Today Well.

I think I can handle that.

Some things:

• Today is one of those "dress up because it has not been the best week ever...just fake it til you make it" kind of days. Anyone know what I am talking about here? No? Okay cool. Well I don't care because my fashion blogger is wearing  animal print today and SO AM I! Don't pretend like you don't have a fashion blogger. Unless you really don't. Then stop judging me.
• On the way to work the other day, a fly was buzzing around the car and driving me crazy. I also should point out that I am not a morning person and had not yet had my coffee. I may or may not have yelled LEAVE YOU IDIOT! with my window cracked about 3 inches (WHICH I will also point out is like 5 fly lengths AT LEAST) and my husband may or may not have told me, "You better blog that." After he finished hyperventilating with laughter. Boom. Blogged. For you husband. And perhaps for my father should he be reading this. (Hi Dad!)
• I was eating lunch with my longtime bff today when a kid at the table next to us asked, "Um, excuse me? Where did you get that Jolly Rancher?" and I said nicely, "Everyone gets candy with their meal here! You will get one too!" but because I have a SOUL I gave him my green apple candy on the way out AND HE SAID, "Ew. I think there's something wrong with this. I do not want this. LOOK. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS! It looks WEIRD." And I was like LOOK KID. IT'S BEEN A LONG WEEK. I WAS JUST TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING HERE. NOW YOU MADE ME FEEL WEIRD AND CREEPY. (Don't worry I said all that in my head. Okay actually I said that out loud to my bff on the way to the car.) I realized approximately 7 minutes ago that I in fact got mad at a child for not taking candy from a stranger. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. You win, little guy. You win.
• I need a weekend.

Busted.

A: ...so yeah, it was pretty crazy.

S: Oh wow. That's nuts.

A: Yeah I just couldn't believe it.

S: Mmhmmm...

A: Anyway, I can tell you more about it when I get home if you're busy.

S: No, I'm not busy. But that's fine...either way...

A: You're wanting to get off the phone to watch more reality TV aren't you?

S: (guilty silence)

A: I KNEW IT!

Summer loving:

• These. Way, way, waaaaaaay too much.
  
• This. Free playlists that I can change on a whim AND I don't even have to create an account?
  Best thing ever! I am serious. You should try it. (Thanks little brother.)
  
• This (7 days!). I don't know why but I am super excited about them this year. So excited that we actually JUST got our TV hooked up so that we receive (free) channels. Obviously this was just an excuse to watch So You Think You Can Dance marathons. Jk guys. Maybe.
  
• Lazing about with Adam and feeling really good about myself if I get outside to walk...to McDonalds. (See #1.)
  
• Looking ahead and getting excited about what is on the horizon. Please remind me of this when in 6 weeks I am up to my eyeballs in to-do lists, running on fumes and have been swallowed by all my laundry.

On anger.

It's an election year and times are hard, so of course, emotions are running high. And there is finger-pointing and name-calling and a whole lot of passing the buck. Nothing new.

And yet...

And yet I feel it--this thick cloud simmering, rumbling, wickedly permeating. It is seeping into my breakfast as I scan the news. It is enveloping my soup at lunch as my co-worker asks "Have you heard..." It socks me in the stomach as I watch that YouTube clip and it nibbles my ear as I wait in line at the grocery store.

And it scares me and it messes me up a bit because I know that sure, I can turn off the TV and put down the magazine and who really cares what that person said on Facebook anyway?

Freedom of speech and all that, and if there is anyone who understands that double edged sword, it is someone who grew up in my hometown--the home of that infamous hate group that I will not mention lest I actually give them more traffic to fund their horrible protests across the nation.

But you see, I can't just walk away because if I do, I just say "oh well!" to that guy that sits next to me at church who spouts off something downright hateful on the way out to the parking lot and I say "doesn't matter!" to the cringe-worthy comments at Thanksgiving and eventually, after you say "it just isn't worth fighting for" so many times, well, suddenly, you start to wonder...what is?

And the very hardest part is admitting that the anger that I see so prevalently all around me--the anger that I see as so completely unproductive and frightening and hurtful and totally distracting us from actually finding solutions--it is in me too.

A little to the left.

A: So I was thinking of hanging this level with the bookcase. You know, like the mirror.

Me: What? No. Too high. I think you should bring it down a bit.

A: Huh? Really? That doesn't make sense. Look. (pause for demonstration)

Me: Yeah. Still think you're wrong. See? (pause for demonstration)

A: Maybe we should move it to this wall instead...? (pause for demonstration)

Me: No way! And draw attention to the million books always laying there? I prefer the other wall that, you know, accents our dead plant.

A: Let's talk about this later.

Late breaking news:

1. My Chapstick just ran out. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

2. You guys. Did you know that you can now get DIPPED CONES at McDonalds?! YES! It is true! I would not lie about something like this! ***Extremely important disclaimer: If, out of your extreme excitement over eating said dipped cone, you somehow find yourself tentatively reaching out your hand to accept a sad blob of a cone that is still dripping--yes, dripping--in chocolate syrup that has yet to harden into a delicious crispy shell because Ms. McDonalds is seriously not on her A-game? My friends, I beg of you, STOP YOURSELF! You deserve a dipped cone that doesn't drip all down your arm and on your shoes and leave speckled brown trails of chocolate all the way to your chair! (I mean, be nice about it to Ms. McDonalds...but seriously.)***

3. I just typed the phrase: "...I guess the monkeys just gave me gumption!" and then hit Send. And THAT is what a B.S. in Communications can do for YOU.

Image cred.

Priorities upon returning home:

1. Oklahoma Joe's
2. Longest shower ever (oh the glory!)
3. Sleep
4. Stare at the adorable photos of kids you just met that are so cute you still can't get over it
5. Wonder what's next
 

Slideshow.

As you can imagine, we took a ton of photos during our stay in India. We decided to post them as a slideshow. A loooooong slideshow. Fair warning.

Take a look if you are interested!

Transition.

First, we are back from India!!! It was a wonderful, challenging, stretching, beautiful, whirlwind of a trip. Thank you for all your prayers and encouraging words!

I am writing this after my first day back to work and "real life."

I'm still operating on London time. We don't have any groceries. I'm catching up--on email, on snail mail, on life.

I'm processing. We saw a lot of things. A lot of hopeful things. Some hard things. A lot of unknown things that just don't quite translate and don't fit into any of my preconceived boxes. I'm not even totally sure how to think or much less talk about the trip yet.

I'm trying to take this time and let myself just slowly enter into life as I know it. And yet, I do this while knowing that I am the same...but different. I still want to write a million lists on post its each day. I still want to eat healthier, follow up on work projects, rethink our finances, clean out our bedroom.

And yet...

I just saw the world from such a different perspective.

So as I'm making coffee at home in the morning, I giggle as I remember sweet Akash's adorable silly faces that he made when we played Red Rover.

And as I share a bit about our India experience with my friend Amy, I feel suddenly really emotional. Not teary or anything. Just full of feeling. 

It's a delicate time and I want to share it with you. But I also ask for some grace and some space to figure things out in my time.

It's good to be home.

Some things:

For some reason, it hit me yesterday that we are going to India. In 9 days.

We.

Are.

GOING TO INDIA.

Me.

In INDIA.

In LESS THAN TWO WEEKS.

Obviously this has totally hindered ANY AND ALL ABILITY FOR ME TO WRITE COMPLETE SENTENCES AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT ME LOSING THE ALL CAPS!


Poor husband.

(It's okay though because he is on pain killers which means I can say things like "Oh! I totally forgot I already had dessert tonight!" as I scoop ice cream...to smother my amazingly delicious homemade oatmeal cream pie... but instead of being embarrassed, I just thought, "Ehh. I'll just deny this later and say you were ((legally)) hallucinating." Marriage rocks.)

Also? I decided this was a really good time to join Twitter. Obviously.

ALSO? Adam said last weekend that we are allowed one carry-on each. For a two week trip. ACROSS THE WORLD. I was all "LOL! Good one!" until he said, "Sara. I'm serious." And then I was like "ohhhhh craaaaap!" 

...so how are you?

Lately I've Been Loving:

• This for online list-making and instant Post-It access. It has changed my life. CHANGED MY LIFE, PEOPLE. If you are a Type-A planner and don't mind having "one more thing"...this is for you.
• Discovering healthy food that actually tastes delicious! And doesn't take hours to make! And doesn't make me buy a bunch of healthy ingredients that I don't even know how to pronounce! (Okay confession: I actually didn't know how to pronounce "quinoa" until about 4 weeks ago. KEEN-WA my friends. KEEN-WA.)
• Finding excuses to make really, really, really extremely delicious sweet treats that are NOT healthy but ARE totally freaking amazing and will jolt you awake the next morning when you calculate just how many cookies you consumed the night before. Ohhhhh myyyyyy gooooodnesssss. Please don't make me confess that number publicly.
• This book. Go read it. You will not be sorry. (Unless you are the non-fiction type like my husband and are all "I just don't really get into fiction" to which I say, *HUGE EYEROLL*. Also I love you.)
• Planning, thinking, dreaming about our upcoming adventure in India. The other day Adam said, "I think this will be a growing experience for us." I think he's right. To all those who are making this experience possible, thank you.

Resurfacing.

O.
M.
G!

YOU GUYS. We have had such a crazy whirlwind life lately! I mean that in a "we are currently getting vaccinated for rabies" kind of way. Soooo yeah. The whole bat thing? Worst nightmare.

I promised my mom I wouldn't write anything really stupid on the Internet so unfortunately friends, I will have to leave the story there. (Hi Mom! See? I do listen!) Suffice it to say that it has been an incredibly frustrating past two weeks. But, we have survived. And in the midst of icky circumstances, we have seen the light of kindness shining through. To those of you out there who have been those light-bearers, thank you.

In other news, I finished a final last week and promptly realized um, APRIL!? Where did you go?! And how is it May?! And how is it that we are leaving for India in a few weeks?!

And who has been squatting in our apartment, throwing things here and there and forgetting to wash dishes and leaving expired milk in our fridge?!

?!?!?!!?


In the midst of all the craziness, I have been growing more and more excited about our upcoming adventure. If you'd like to learn more about our India trip, jump on over!

I hope spring is being good to you friends.

...OH! I almost forgot! I made these apple crisp muffins a few weeks ago and they are SO INCREDIBLE! Please go make them immediately! I had to make a few tweaks to the recipe since I didn't have everything on hand and they still turned out great! (I used regular flour, regular sugar, and honey instead of maple syrup.) Enjoy!

Namaste.

So there I was doing a yoga video on Sunday night. Adam was gone, and I had big plans that included really productive things such as painting my toenails, watching a chick flick and sipping some tea on the couch.


A cool evening breeze blew in and I was soaking the moment up, congratulating myself on really taking an evening to relax.

In the middle of my downward dog, I heard a little something. Hmm that's weird I thought. That sounded kind of screechy. Like a bat! I shuddered. Ugh. I don't know what I would do if I saw a ---

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" I screamed as a flitty furry thing flew INTO MY LIVING ROOM.

AND LANDED ON MY FLOOR.

I stared. Terrified.

This is not happening. This is not happening. Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap.

It didn't move.

I dashed onto the porch, propping the screen door wide open.

Please oh please oh please leave. I prayed, knees shaking.

Nothing. Still lying ON MY FLOOR.

Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap.


I banged the door a bit. And then a bit more.

Surely this noise will scare you just a bit so that you'll LEAVE ME ALONE. GO BACK OUTSIDE! YOU BELONG OUT HERE YOU IDIOT!

Nothing.

Trapped on the porch, I weighed my options. Things were looking bleak. My purse and keys were on the opposite end of the apartment. No way was I walking by THAT THING.

But my phone...

I glanced warily at the unmoving furball.

If it would just stay there and let me get a bit closer I could reach my phone on the coffee table just a few feet away.

I can do this. No I can't. I have to. I'm going to get rabies. What if it touches my hair? OH MY GOSH what if it flies at my face and I see it's eyes and...

Stop it. You need your phone. It is your only hope.

I took a deep breath.

I dashed.

Just as I grabbed my phone, IT MOVED.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! I screamed as IT FLEW BY THE LAMP AND BEHIND OUR COUCH.

I darted into the hallway and slammed the door shut.


"There is a bat in our apt!" I texted Adam, trying to be all cool and nonchalant.

(HA, HA. I know.)

I waited approximately 8 seconds before calling him.

He answered and heard a tearful, "THERE IS A BAT IN OUR APARTMENT AND I'M IN OUR HALLWAY AND IT IS MOVING AND I AM NOT WEARING ANY SHOOOOOOOOES!"

I sniffed.

"What!? Are you okay?"

"Yes. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! IT JUST CAME INSIDE! And it WON'T LEAAAAAAVE. And they CARRY RABIES!"

"I'm coming home."

"Okay," I cried.

"I think you should just grab a book and hang out and I"ll be there soon," he said reassuringly.

"I don't HAAAAAVE a book," I sobbed. "The books are all INSIDE. With the BAT IN OUR APARTMENT and I won't--hicuup--go--hicuup--back in there."

"It's going to be okay. Why don't you just play Tetris on your phone until I get there?"

"Um, okay." I said.

Fifteen minutes later, he pulled up.

"What's your plan?" I said.

"I don't have one," he said. "Just go in the bathroom, shut the door and I'll let you know when it's safe."

"Okay," I said. "But be careful."

And would you believe that my dear sweet husband took a broom and swatted all around our apartment in search of that little critter?

He sure did.

And would you also believe that HE NEVER FOUND IT?

Oh no he didn't.

And so, friends, while that night most certainly cemented my fear of ANIMALS UP IN MY SPACE and also expanded the definition of a true hero (and also true love), it did NOT leave my with any sort of peace of mind.

So, yes, what I'm saying, in short, is: I saw a bat enter my living room, my husband came home to save me and that bat may or may not have escaped.

Which also means, there may or may not still be AN ANIMAL LIVING IN MY HOME.

Help.

Announcement!

Hi friends!

I have exciting news!

We are going to India this summer!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As some of you may recall, India is kind of a big deal to us as Adam spent six weeks interning in Bangalore in 2009...then came home to me and popped the question!

We've been planning this for awhile and are so, so excited about this opportunity.

In fact, we started a blog specifically about our trip!

We invite you to follow us to learn more about what we're doing, why we're going and see really adorable photos of the girls that got Adam to dance on a rooftop.

Woohoo!

(I just can't stop exclaiming!)

A time to plant.

We are part of a community garden right now and though we are probably definitely the least knowledgeable, it is cool. Gardens are fascinating--what? you throw some stuff in the ground and then you EAT IT?! (...and all my farmer ancestors just rolled their eyes). Of course this is all supposing that something ACTUALLY GROWS. And in the Robertson experience, well, it does not. Or rather, it does and then the Evil Chipmunk eats it all. But I digress.

Though many, many other people have done much more work on the garden than us, it has already been fun to see the progress. Things are sprouting! YES!

It's a hopeful time as we push away all the things that could go wrong, and instead shrug and smile and say "Well, here's hoping!"and "LOOK! Here's another one! It's really GROWING!" and "What are we going to do with a plot full of kale?!"

And of course, doing this all in community is another experience entirely. It is messy. We don't know what to expect. We aren't really used to this sort of thing and my oh my people are complicated! But we all keep trying, smiling, waving, wondering what is to become of all this and why, exactly, we ventured out from our apartment cocoon to hang out with a bunch of opinionated strangers.

But it feels good, like somehow like we are going back to our roots a little bit--yes, because we city slickers are growing our own food but also because we are choosing to acknowledge those that live around us. And to open up our lives a bit.

It seems timely for us too, as we look at our lives and where we want to go. We celebrated two years of marriage. We are both working toward some goals. We are about to embark on an adventure overseas. We are forever trying, fighting, to make room in our lives for others.

Seeds are planted.

We are watering, weeding, keeping one eye on the sky.

We still have a lot of growing to do.

But look! Things are sprouting!

Some things:

Oh hi. Still here. I've done that thing where I write a post out get almost done and then delete it all. This has happened on several occasions lately. But it's a new week, so I'll give it another go.


Life lately:

• We recently joined a community garden in our neighborhood. Have I mentioned we aren't gardeners? This fact (and it is a fact) causes a bit of anxiety considering we Robertsons are in charge of a humble plot that is to yield cucumbers. For everyone. So yeeeeeeah. No pressure. Anxiety aside, it is a really fun experience so far.
• Awesome recent discovery: these are on Netflix. Score!
• Soon I will get to share something exciting with you! Are you on the edge of your seat? You should be! Okay that is all I have to say for now or I will spill the beans. (PLEASE NOTE: This is not code for "pregnant" so everyone be cool.) It does, however, involve packing a bag.
• Last week was kind of a bummer. We had to call it quits on something fun we were planning. It wasn't the end of the world or anything but it was still not awesome. HOWEVER, in the middle of feeling kind of blah and a smidge dejected, Encouragement kicked us swiftly in the pants and said, "HEY YOU! You've got a lot to be thankful for so FUGETABOUTIT!" And then I cried happy tears. (You are shocked, I know.)
• I am reading this book and I love it. It's about a father writing to his son at the end of his life. It is beautifully written and I especially love the idea of legacy woven into its pages. Please read it. I mean if you're into that sort of thing--"that sort of thing" being AMAZING LITERATURE and sweet old men and generations and history and love and faith and death and life. NO PRESSURE OR ANYTHING!

Step it up.

I recently devoured Mindy Kaling's book and LOVED IT!

I giggled more than once as I sped through it (seriously--if you are looking for a fun book that will add another celebrity to your "We Would So Be Friends" list, this is it!) but instead of making you sit through poorly-delivered comedic moments like my dear husband, I will just share with you a chapter tucked in the back of the novel that stuck out most to me.

"Married People Need to Step It Up" she asserts and talks about how some of her married friends are the most depressing people to hang out with--always talking about how much work marriage is and how hard it is to get a babysitter for date night. Basically, Kaling writes that despite the odds and despite the horrible statistics when it comes to love and marriage, she still believes in it and wants it for herself. And in so many words, married people need to stop making it look so horribly, dreadfully hard (bordering on impossible).

I'm not sure exactly why this struck me but it did. Maybe because I am coming up on the two-year mark of being a Mrs. myself (!) and probably also a lot because I remember the many years I spent standing up at various weddings for my friends and begrudgingly flying solo (note: I don't remember who it was that said at the time I "totally reminded them of that girl in 27 dresses who has a bazillion bridesmaids dresses and is always single" but for the record THAT IS A HORRIBLE THING TO SAY TO SOMEONE SO PLEASE STRIKE IT FROM YOUR VOCABULARY IMMEDIATELY!).

I only have two years to draw upon when it comes to married life and I know that is just a blip really.

But it's true that marriage gets a bad rap sometimes and while I think that it is really, extremely important for people to all understand that relationships are all different and all hard and that marriage is by no means an easy answer or some perfect moment where ta-da! life becomes all sparkly and easy-peasy...it is also really, freaking awesome.

I know without a doubt that I am a better person because I have Adam by my side and I would like to think he'd say the same about me. It isn't always fun or pretty, and there are some serious challenges that come with it. I don't deny any of that and I think to do so is really a disservice to everyone.

But it is also good. It is good in little ways--he listens as I tell him about what so-and-so said at the office today CANYOUBELIEVEIT?! and I sneakily throw away all his socks with holes in them because seriously it needs to be done. It's nice to have someone get your inside jokes and be your plus one when you have to go to that thing where you won't know anyone.

But the best is that you get to feel known. And it is also kind of the worst because when you are known, you can no longer can you hide your crap or keep the ugly from bubbling to the surface now and then. And you see their ugly bubbling to the top sometimes too. Along with the just plain annoying.

BUT (lest you think I am doing that thing where you say one thing but actually take the other side) this is all still a very good thing! Because it makes you better. And it makes you grow. And it makes you realize that you are loved just as you are (to borrow from one of my favorite movies ever).

And the best, totally bizarre part is that even when you mess up and even on days when you mess up AND he messes up and you are both quite grouchy and things are really NOT FUN and THEN you realize your milk expired again AND your parking ticket is due etc etc etc...it is a Great Mystery, my friends, but it is so very true that somehow love does prevail.

And I know that it sounds very simplistic and I know and you know that love seems to be failing all around us sometimes. And I don't know what to say about that and I won't pretend to have some quick fix or even any answer at all because I don't understand it either.

But I do know a couple things about marriage. At least what two years can teach a girl. 

So, let this be a reminder to me today, tomorrow, next year, and 33 years from now when like my parents, I get to celebrate my 35th wedding anniversary:

Be thankful. Fight for it. And step it up.

Some things:

• I am flying solo for dinner again tonight which directly translates into ICE CREAM OUT OF THE CARTOOOOOON! And then again when Adam gets some so he WON'T SUSPECT A THING. Except that I just told him.
• A nerdy thing I have been utilizing lately to make life easier: Dropbox. Store files "in the cloud" for FREE and access them anywhere...and also have a backup of Very Important Files. You can also share files and/or encrypt them. SO MUCH NERDINESS IN ONE SENTENCE! 
• I am married to the Energizer Bunny. I seriously do not know how he does it. Well, coffee is a large part of that answer. But still.
• I think mid-week holidays totally ruin my motivation. Which really just means I need to celebrate more, you know, so I get in the habit.
• We randomly have a lot of coconut milk at home. Ideas?!

Snow cones.

I woke up this morning thinking about Theresa F. from fourth grade.

This is what I remember about her:

1. She had freckles.
2. She had very long, very straight brown hair that reached all the way down her back and swung back and forth. Sometimes she would flip it around really fast to swat off boys on the playground.
3. She was confident.
4. When we took attendance (alphabetically, by last name) in the morning, hers was the sixth name called. This may sound strange, but when you grow up attending a very small school, you remember these kinds of things. I can also tell you the five names that came before her: Jake, Drew, JoAnna, Cody, and Kory. (I was waaaay down the line forever hoping that the teacher would call "backwards alphabet" day.)
5. Mostly, I remember this: once in third (or possibly, fourth) grade, I walked home with Theresa from school and got to hang out for awhile before my mom picked me up. It was winter. Snow piled up on the ground and we sat in her upstairs bedroom discussing really important things like can you be-LIEVE that Brad picked SQUARE DANCING when it was his birthday and could choose ANYTHING at ALL to do for gym class...AND HE CHOSE SQUARE DANCING?!?!?!, etc. And we peered out her upstairs window and she said "I have an idea!" and she opened her window and the cold gushed in and she said, "Follow my lead." Then she stretched her arm out into the cold and scooped up some snow that had gathered on top of the carport outside her window. And giggling, I did the same. And she plunked her snowball into a cup and I did, too. And she rummaged in her desk and found a fistful of Pixie sticks and we sprinkled bright green and purple and orange dust onto our snow and swirled it around and ate a really weird tangy icy homemade snow cone. And it wasn't that good, to be honest, but it was fun and exciting and exactly the kind of thing that should fill up a childhood. And I wonder if I saw her today at the grocery store if she would remember me. And I wonder if she would remember our snow cones. And I wonder why of all the moments in my many years my brain chose to remind me of this one, today of all days. I think it's a delightful mystery.

p.s. Brad really did choose square dancing. I had kind of forgotten about that until now and it STILL BAFFLES ME. (!!!!!!!!)

Teeter, totter.

I am learning some things about balance lately. I am realizing that things won't ever be easier. That each season has its own challenges. That there really is no time like the present.

I am realizing that my priorities are changing. I can see that I am not who I was just a few years ago and that is okay. In fact, I am learning that it is more than okay.

I am fighting that same internal battle of perfectionism, but I am calling it out now and mercifully, finally listening to the voices around me that tell me I am doing a good job. Even if it doesn't look neat and clean. I am trying to let go more often.

I am failing sometimes. I am trying to be excited about that, because it means I am trying. This is hard for me.

I am trying to make time for what matters and make time count. I am always feeling like I haven't quite figured out how to do that. I am trying to give myself more grace.

I am giving thanks more often. Even if it's for our dumb ol' air mattress that is in the middle of my living room and TOTALLY CRAMPING MY STYLE. I am thankful for a warm place to rest my head during these cold winter days. I am thankful for a night home with my husband when I attempt "healthy cookies" (HA, HA) even when they turn out all weird and funky-textured and I throw my last bite in the trash. And though I've had more sick days this year than ever (truly, ever!) before, I am thankful for that phone call from home "just callin' to check in" because they let me whine my sorrows away and don't tell me to suck it up.

I am just dancing along, sometimes grabbing onto Adam for balance, but mostly just holding his hand.

It's a good year.

A for Effort.

There is no one better to have by your side during a crisis than my husband.

He is pretty good at celebrating also, but he is REALLY good at responding when life throws you curve balls.

Take, for example, our recent EXTREMELY UNFORTUNATE AND ILL-TIMED discovery of a sopping wet mattress due to a (surprise!!!!) ceiling leak.

I held it together for day one but on day two, and more leakage...let's just say my wits were not about me. In fact, my wits were spilling out of my ears.

Adam, so calm, so cool, so collected, says ever-so dearly, "Hey, you know, no big deal. We'll just set up the air mattress. It'll be like camping...in our living room!"

To which I sweetly responded, "THAT IS MY WORST NIGHTMAAAAAAARE."

To which he said, "Your worst nightmare would include way more animals."

Touche.

Question:

Do other people have as many awkward social interactions as me?

Related:

Are other people as aware of their awkwardness during the aforementioned awkward interaction as me? 

Further:

Does this line of thinking make me an extreme narcissist?

Even Further:

Does the fact that I am asking such a question on my own personal blog make me like, sooooo postmodern?


p.s. Not to be super pushy but if you are looking for a delicious treat and/or a breakfast recipe, make these. I have made the "bites" both times. The first time I did exactly as I was told. The second time I got super daring and REPLACED the chocolate chips with 1/2 c dried cranberries and 1/2 c almonds. THEY ARE SO GOOD! I eat them with yogurt in the morning. (My dad just gagged at my recipe suggestion. AGAIN.)
Note: I had the best luck with these when a) using my hands to mix (so I could tell when the granola was moist) and b) by using my cupcake pan WITH NO LINERS. Otherwise it is messy. And that is just no fun.

p.s.s. Raise your hand if you did indeed find my p.s. to be "super pushy." Sometimes writing off the cuff can be hilarious.

Queen for a day.

Remember when you were a little kid and had to write that essay that started off like "If I got to be President for a day, I would..." and then what followed was a laundry list of promises that sounded eerily similar to the same exact promises we made to each other when running for student council? (Four day school weeks! Free pop for everyone! No more MEATLOAF MONDAYS! PIZZA PARTIES EVERY DAY! It's our RIGHT! WHO'S WITH ME?!)

No one asks me anymore what I would do if I called the shots. Probably because I'm an "adult" and therefore I "make my own decisions." HAHA. Just kidding guys. I don't really know what I'm doing most of the time and even when I think I do, I am often proven wrong by this little thing called Life.

The point is, I tried this new recipe last week. My b-f-f Sarah said I need to embrace the crock pot and you know what? I agree. Who wants to cook when they get home from a day of work? Not this moi. I have way too much Damages to watch for that kind of thing.

So, I turned to the trusty Pinterest and found this gem.

It's risky, you know, trying a new recipe and all and for some reason the slow cooker heightens the anticipation because you just don't know what's going to happen when you remove the lid after 10 hours.

Luckily for everyone, this recipe was a major success. NOT ONLY did my husband eat this for three meals straight, but after his first bite, his eyes lit up and he said AND I QUOTE, "You are Queen of the Crockpot."

Soooo yeah. Movin up in the world. And as your Crockpot Queen, I would just like to say--nay, MANDATE--FREE POP FOR EVERYONE! And someone please invent calorie-free brownies already. IT'S OUR RIGHT!

Who's with me?!

p.s. Make this soup. Unless you are a hater (ahem, DAD) and upon hearing the very WORDS "sweet potato", wrinkle your nose in disgust and say, "Ughhhhh. That is gross." In which case you are banished from my kingdom but can buy your way back in with ice cream.

It's complicated.

The problem with doing hard things is that well, it's hard.

It's a romantic notion, sure, but in practice? It can be kind of terrible.

I mean, who wants to wake up with their stomach all in knots? Who wants to risk failure or embarrassment or...well, really anything at all?

There is a reason, after all, that we have not done that hard thing already.

There is no reason, in many cases, that we have to do that hard thing at all.

So to choose it? To choose challenge, sacrifice, interruption in mere hopes that in the end, it will be worth it?

How absurd!

And yet...

Both/and.

 Feeling this, especially in this new, shiny season of order, planning, list-making, thinking, evaluating, re-evaluating:

"Being reflective is both a blessing and a curse, a potential for strength and for weakness. It can lead equally well toward truth or error. Life can be richer, more textured, more challenging, more meaningful. Likewise, it can become more barren, more threatening, more overwhelming."

-Daniel Taylor, The Myth of Certainty

Where our crap comes from.

I encourage you to listen to this podcast. It was well worth the hour of my time.

Basically, it's about this guy who loves Apple products and is totally obsessed with technology. Then one day he wonders where it's all made. And so the adventure begins...

I love This American Life.

(FYI, for a very short time, it was also a TV show. It rocked. You can watch it for free here.)

p.s. For the first time in a looooong time, I am wearing brown AND black. I feel both daring and apologetic. My middle-school self would be horrified. To that middle-school Sara, I would like to say:

"Dude. Lay off. It's a new year and I'm pretty sure it's cool now. Also, at least I've discovered HAIR GEL! Oops. Sorry. That was a low blow. Forget everything I just said and go enjoy Surge while it lasts.
OH! And would you believe that one day you will get to watch Titanic in 3D?! TRUE! You know I wouldn't lie about something like that. (sidenote: Leo may not return your fan letters but life will go on.)
ALSO, right at this very moment your future husband is out there in the world with blond spiky hair playing guitar in a rock band soooo yeah. Ignore all those idiots around you, read more books, gossip less and you know what? Enjoy "family time." You'll miss it one day."

Lately:

Reading:  

A true story about both the Chicago World Fair AND a Chicago serial killer (weird combo but it was really fascinating—and I usually dislike nonfiction!—and only sometimes terrifying); a hilarious memoir (rumor has it that if you get the audio book she reads it herself!); an interesting collection of ideas regarding Christianity; and now, a novel that, though I’m halfway through, I still can’t decide if I like (Catcher in the Rye-esque).

Also, really liking these two blogs –especially posts like this (about journalism), this (about living an exceptional life) , this (about relationships in a digital age) and this (about reputation vs character).

Also, consuming a ridiculous amount of news articles to be discussed with my husband which usually ends in us both being really stressed out. But also feeling informed (ish) so…win? (I personally have discovered this website to be a really fascinating take on the difficult—impossible?—fight to write without bias, especially, in my opinion, when it comes to politics.)

Watching:

America in Primetime (if you only watch one, watch “The Misfit.” Trust me.)

Thinking:

Wouldn’t it be nice if I could bottle motivation and sip on it all year?

...and youuu?

I like you but...

If you're anything like me, yesterday was a total drag as you muddled your way through a work day that felt never ending (times a billion since we were OUT OF COFFEE! OH THE AGONY!). You wanted to crawl back to last week and stay there forever--a land full of lattes! and date nights! and reading Tina Fey's book in less than 24 hours just because you could!!!

But you made it to today and things are better (read: two cups of coffee and four chocolates. WHAT?!).

It's glorious to take a break from "real life" and recharge and give yourself permission to do nothing in all sorts of ways. It's a treat to get enough sleep and not have pinched shoulders or even an eye twitch.

It's awesome to see all sorts of your favorite people and all be in the same physical space for more than five minutes. And to just laugh the crazy Liz Lemon laugh when you do things such as drop the peanut butter jar on the floor.

It's a huge blessing to spend time with your also-not-stressed husband. It's like, DUDE, we are SO MUCH MORE FUN RIGHT NOW! And look! We stayed up past midnight two days in a ROW! WE ARE AWESOME!

But then that time is gone and back to the reality of long days, never-ending lists and "crap we forgot LUNCHMEAT" as we drive away from the store and back home to put away Christmas decorations.

It's like, hey, yeah, I have a lot to be thankful for and I know I'll get adjusted and probably won't keep my resolutions and everything will be fine but for now I just can't help but think:

Um, 2012? I like you but you're crazy.