I have been thinking pretty much one thing these days:

Baby I'm having a baby we're having a baby baby baby!...

It is a hurry up and wait time. A how do we prepare for this?!?! time. A hey, pssst! can you believe this? time.

It is not all roses. Truth be told, it has been harder than I thought. But it is a special time and that can be felt even through the hard days.

It is a looking ahead time as we prepare for our family to grow. It is a quiet wondering time, considering what is in store for this little one of ours. It is a dreaming time, a questioning time, a frantic "we have so much left to do!" time. A time that feels like we know the very best big secret.

It is a time pre-change and yet, in just these few short months, it is undeniable that change has very much begun.

It is a time I am trying to rest in, to let be what will be, to shove some clutter under a chair and welcome friends in with a weary smile and say, "Whew! Life! You know?"

It is a time we will never quite have again. This small, intense, blink of our lives.

This is the time we spend awaiting our first born son.

...a baby baby baby! BOY!


On breaking the silence.

So, you know how sometimes, if you haven't said anything for awhile, it just gets harder and harder to open your mouth?

You have to clear your throat a bit and squeak out a phrase or two. And sometimes your eyes water. And almost always (if you are me, at least) no matter what you say sounds awkward.

But here I am! Back after quite a break. And wondering where to begin.

I think I will start with HI friends!!! I have missed you!

A lot of life has happened since we've last crossed paths, for me, and for you, too, I imagine.

Let me just list out a few things and squeak out a few awkward phrases and then we can get back to usual awkwardness sometime soon. Okay? Okay.

Life updates:
1. WE ARE HAVING A BABY! Yeah, I know. This is a HUGE FREAKING DEAL! And it is just now that I am (sometimes, maybe?) coming out of my four month nausea coma that I can truly appreciate the awesome, bizarre reality of this! There is a BABY. Growing RIGHT NOW. Below my belly button! Holy moley. This is pretty much all I think about these days. This week, the baby can hear my voice and even recognize loud noises (!). It is pretty awesome. It is also terrifying and exhilarating and still a teeeeeensy bit unbelievable to tell you the truth. Even with my growing belly and many icky mornings. Don't even get me started about how to prepare for a child. I mean, NO PRESSURE, right?! But then I just remember my Dad patting my back and saying, "Just think about how many people have done this." And then I exhale a little bit. Dads are the best. (p.s. If you try to tell me a crazy birth story between now and September, I will cover my ears. And maybe karate chop you. Don't you do it.)

2. Is there anything else to really say after #1?

3. Okay fine. We also moved! Goodbye, so long, farewell to the apartment with obnoxiously green walls! And sloping floors! And the setting of The Bat Incident (shudder, shudder). We don't miss you! I mean, yeah, a house takes some getting used to, but we have a DISHWASHER! And a LAUNDRY ROOM! And now a BABY room! Soooo yeah. Great development.

4. Between working, being in grad school, volunteering and collapsing into bed each night, that is pretty much the full life update. Sometimes I even go to the grocery store!!! I KNOW. I am SO EXCITING!  Except tonight I actually AM so exciting because I get to go on a date night to celebrate three years (!!!) of marriage. We might even stay out past 10. Watch OUT!

5. Not to turn all mushy but I just have to say that if I didn't love my husband before this little baby then I sure would love him now! He is great. He tells me nice things even on days when "getting ready" includes only "pretending to brush my hair" and "putting on deodorant while curled into a fetal position." He also cleaned out this super disgusting bowl of old cupcake batter last night and didn't even get mad at me for leaving it in the fridge for um, a long time. And he pretty much unpacked our whole entire house. Soooo yeah. You guys. My husband has had a really terrible roommate lately and he STILL LIKES ME. At least I think so. He may be slightly afraid of my hormones to tell me the truth.

6. My friend got married this weekend. They got a standing ovation. I can't even think about it without tearing up. You should read her story. It was the most beautiful day.

Happy rainy Wednesday friends. I hope this finds you well.