Prep work.

Things are getting real around this place.

Emotions=intensifying (Adam's, obviously. ha!)

I am actually walking away from friend gatherings with the knowledge that we may not see each other until after he is born. (!!!!!!)

I have a million, zillion things on my to-do list but know very well that they may not get done in time. I also know that none of them are actually super important. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to cross things off the list. (Of course, this is a bit challenging when one falls asleep in front of the TV for two hours in the evening. Whoops.)

And I have to be honest--there is a small part of me that thinks that if we just try harder, we will be able to clean up every aspect of our lives in an orderly, responsible way and that will thereby ensure the success of us as parents and human beings.

This means that in addition to baby prep things (setting up crib, unpacking nursery, figuring out how to use mysterious baby items, etc.), I would also like to re-organize our budget, deep clean the house, become an excellent cook, and just generally, you know, get it together.

In seven weeks.

I knoooooow, you guys. I know this is totally insane and ridiculous. And really "together" people could be totally terrible parents, anyway. And besides, all you really need is to love that little munchkin and everything will all work out.

But still.

It is just such a strange time--this very brief time we have left pre-baby. A period of waiting, wanting, expecting, dreaming, fearing.

It is a time spent testing the Mom and Dad waters as we make decisions about the little one's first days. A time spent meeting with nurses who look to us to make these decisions. And we nod slowly, and look at each other and say, "Uhhh yes? That is a good idea?" and inside we are like "OH MY GOSH we just made a legit parental decision. Is this really happening?!"

It is a time of feeling very young, very uncertain, very much looking to our own parents for encouraging words and "what do we do about this?!" and little pats on the back.

And it is those little moments of realizing that my very own parents went through this too and so did theirs and so did theirs. And it is up to all of us to figure it out on our own a bit, yes, but also to reach out and say "Help!" and consider that maybe it is actually a good thing to feel a bit unqualified.

Because it is only then that we humble ourselves.

And it isn't about having the perfect home or perfect financial record or whitest teeth or beautifully designed nursery.

It is about creating the village that will raise this child. A child already so, so loved.

A child that is coming soon!

A child that we await with great expectation and hope.

(And dusty floors and dirty laundry, too.)


the*Creative*Manderbean said...

I really love paragraph 5. I feel that. You write beautifully, friend! -- Amanda B.

Amanda Jordan said...

I will never forget what a good friend of mine told me when I was asking her how she knew what to do with her new baby (because I was watching them interact and thinking "How does she know what the baby needs.... holy crap, I wouldn't know?!?". She said that 1-2 weeks after her daughter was born, she had a house full of helpful family members cooking and cleaning and chatting and she was still trying to figure out how to breastfeed and nothing was going right and she ended up on the floor of her closet because she couldn't find a private place to nurse. She was crying and her baby was crying and she realized in that moment that her daughter didn't know what to do either. This baby had no preconceived ideas or expectations of her as a mother. In her daughters eyes, she wasn't failing, in fact, she was the source of her life and existence. She said that she felt better knowing that neither one of them knew what to do and they would figure it out together. She said that it was the moment when she really and truly felt bonded with her baby daughter. I just love the picture of a new mom giving herself the grace that she didn't have to have it all figured out and it didn't have to be perfect, she would get there eventually.

lauren said...

I love the way you look at the world, friend! I also have the temptation -- and the illusion! -- that I can, and will, "get it together" by a certain deadline. But I won't. No one will...and yet joyful moments and rich relationships and happy families will all still happen. Your boy is such a lucky little dude, and I don't think his "village" will ever let him forget it.

Sara said...

Thank you for all the encouraging words, friends!