4.01.2008

Death and taxes

...And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out...

["Falling slowly" from Once. See it if you haven't.]

*****

Change. It’s not a dirty word. But sometimes it sure seems like one.

I naively assumed that once I graduated and settled into the "real world," life would magically fall into place and this roller coaster ride of transition would suddenly become a gently winding Yellow Brick Road (what? I'm from Kansas. Aren't I supposed to dream in terms of Dorothy?).

But life doesn't seem to work that way, as it turns out.

There's the whole job thing, for starters. After the painstaking process of choosing a major and earning that expensive piece of paper, I am quickly realizing that I am no more certain about my life direction with a degree and than I was without it. And while I can definitely appreciate the cash flow that comes with life in the working world (or perhaps cash trickle is more appropriate), I still recognize this as a mere stop along my journey and not as a final destination.

With the new job came a new roommate in a new city among a new community--at times it feels like a whole new life. And it can be exciting to venture out into this new place and discover that even someplace so initially foreign can eventually start to become home. But just when I begin to think I am settling in and gaining acceptance from this big city, I take a wrong turn. Which turns into another. And another. And another. And suddenly, I am lost and alone and feeling very betrayed as the harsh city lights offer little comfort. And I am left with a sinking feeling that perhaps I will never really belong.

But all of this would be manageable if change didn't bring with it such a never-ending string of goodbyes. I know that friendships are different--that some are a short burst, some are for a season and some will remain throughout the journey (that's a bumper sticker phrase if I've ever heard one). But it is still painful to realize that one minute the very person that is walking next to you may reach that same fork in the road and choose a different path. And that your journeys may never again converge.

My search for the certain has left me empty-handed. But maybe that's okay. In fact, maybe that's how life is supposed to be lived. Because living amongst uncertainty keeps one from getting comfortable. From becoming stagnant and stale. From losing sight of one's dreams. From giving up hope.

And ultimately, from living a life that has no need for faith.

3 comments:

luke said...

oh that's good. might i recommend The Myth of Certainty by Daniel Taylor if you're looking for something amazing to read.

also, yay! it's your blog. and i suppose really you can talk about this world in the real world, but only in off-handed comments and general allusions that only the people who have already read your blog will understand. mmk?!?! :)

KK said...

oh friend. you're not giving much hope for those of us still trying to earn that expensive piece of paper!

love your thoughts though.
love you.

Sarah said...

do you ever get the urge to run onto college campuses and scream "it's all a joke! they are lying to you! there are not 2,056 job opportunities for history majors!!!"

sometimes i do. but then i realize it would be scary and potentially dangerous and really not worth it.
because everyone will still think this is it, this is the high life, and i am sailing once i hit that graduation floor. ah well. as uncertain as this season is, i'm finding it to be incredibly rich.

good words my sister...and so fun that it follows the theme we keep hearing in our friends and the pastorate. God is good.