Excuse me while I cry into my matronly cardigan...

A conversation held over microwavable lunches:

Me: ...so anyway, I think we can all agree that a place is really not a true breakfast establishment unless they have a variety of flavored syrups. Obviously. I mean, come on, Denny's, who are you kidding?!
My Brutally Honest Friend: Totally. Wait a second--[points to the curiously foamy orange liquid I was currently pouring down my throat with a face of utter disdain]--what is that?
Me: [after un-pinching my nostrils and attempting to regain composure] What? This? Oh it's Airborne. I know, I know...it's just a scam and really just pumps your body full of Vitamin C...blahblahblah...whatever. All I know is that I'm popping these tablets like candy because I cannot afford to get sick--I must see my B-F-F this weekend!
MBHF: Mmmhmm...yeah...ooh! I like your earrings!
Me: Oh! Thanks!
MBHF: Yeah, it goes with your office-y attire. You are becoming quite the office lady these days, by the way.
Me: Whoa...what? Why? Because I'm wearing a cardigan?! I mean, I'm sorry, but it gets drafty in this place!
MBHF: Well, that and you just seem to have embraced it as part of...I don't know...your identity.
Me: [in a horrified whisper] My...identity?
MBHF: Yeah! I mean, your earrings, for instance. I really like them. But they are so...office like.
MBHF: I don't know exactly. It's more than the earrings. It's like you have entered a whole new phase of life.
Me: What phase? The middle-aged, I-wear-my-keds-with-my-pencil-skirt phase?! Because I am SO NOT THERE (yet).
MBHF: No, no, no. It's not a bad thing--
Me: Excuse me, but I fail to see how being FRUMPY is not a bad thing!
MBHF: Oh you aren't frumpy! You look polished but...comfortable.
Me: Great...every woman's dream...
MBHF: Anyway, it's not just your wardrobe. It's more...a bunch of little things that reflects you are adapting to this place. This time. This new season of life.
Me: [crisply] Like what?
MBHF: Like...the fact that every time I eat lunch with you, you have the perfect office lunch. Microwavable soup. Or salads in your Tupperware containers--
Me: --It's just I have to pack it every day and these soup bowls are so convenient!--
MBHF: --And you carry around your water bottle. Everywhere. And have your own coffee cup--
Me: Um actually, I have four. Four. FOUR FREAKING COFFEE MUGS OKAY?! And if you want to know the truth, I even have my own creamer in the mini fridge...LABELED IN PERMANENT MARKER! Oh my gosh. This is depressing.
MBHF: And I mean, hello, you are drinking Airborne at lunch!!! Yep. Definitely an office lady.
Me: [mouth drops open in protest then promptly closes as I see my clipped ID badge hanging smugly from my cardigan] Crap.

And so, if anyone needs me, I will be raiding the office fridge in search of leftover cake from last week's retirement party. That is, right after I remove the highlighter stain from my blouse...with my own personal Tide-to-Go pen.

Lord help me.


Rebecca said...

Love it. Embrace this new phase of your life. Maybe even play it up a bit. :)

Michelle said...

I am pretty sure I cried reading that. Excellent retelling. And I appreciate you informing the world that Denny's + pancakes just does not make the cut.

Don't worry. You are still stylishly sassy. Just cardigan classy sassy now.

nettierox said...

adapting to your environment doesn't mean that you are in fact adapting to being an "office worker". as an occupational therapist, i have to strongly disagree to the MBHF and tell you that you are being smart about adapting to your environment--thats what people do. HOWEVER--its when you let your environment or your job run your life that you run into the problem. the end.

R.W. Shipshape said...

This was funny.

Kind of reminds me of the time someone told me I looked like a soccer mom...I think I was 18 at the time. Huh?

Sarah Yeager said...

This is why I freaking love you so much! That is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. And don't be offended my friend... when your MBHF said You look polished but...comfortable.... I think she was saying that you are the co-president of the cute but comfy club... which I'm pretty sure we founded! BE PROUD!

lauren h. said...

Cardigans are classic pieces!! They will never go away..at least not if I have anything to do with it.
And goodness gracious I leave for Nica in less than 2 weeks!! Let me know if you want to stick anything in my luggage for Miss Sarita :-)

Han said...

Haha, I love it!

I think there is some truth to that... I have noticed lately that since I haven't worked in 4 months most of my closet goes untouched. So- me too. :O)

And I LOVE Pam. Can't go wrong with Pam.