If there's anything I hate more than waking up at the crack of dawn, it's getting my oil changed.
(Put them together and the only thing that will get me through the day is three cups of coffee. AND OKAY FINE, a chocolate cupcake smothered in frosting for breakfast. WHEEEEEE!)
Where was I? Ahh, yes, the definition of humiliation:
Somehow, with one tiny, tinny ding as the door swings open, I lose all self-respect and become a bumbling, fumbling moron who answers nearly every question an apologetic "Ummm...yeah, I don't know..." and a nervous smile.
I even psych myself up before entering, and am all: You can do this. You are an independent, fully-functioning adult. Be tough. Nerves of steel. You got this.
But then--ding--and an offhand "How many miles are on your car?" and ohhhhhhhhh crap! How many miles? Whaaa? Like.I.Know."Umm...well...I'm, uh, not exactly sure?"
Then a rushed, "Oh, and, um, also, my car has been making this weird noise every now and then? And the light comes on but I think maybe it's just a sensor problem? Or uh...spark plugs? Or something?"
Because suddenly everything is a question?
And later, the inevitable follow-up phone call that's just as embarrassing when I'm all, "Have I ever changed the what? Do I want you to flush out the--huh? Dude, I couldn't tell you the first thing about a gasket and I haven't even finished my first cup of coffee so please HAVE MERCY ON ME!"
Upon my shame-faced return, wanting nothing more than to get.the.crap.outta.there, you can imagine my surprise when The Keeper of the Keys asked me about my upcoming wedding with a quickly-followed: "Marriage, huh? Well, let me give you my marriage spiel--"
I braced myself for a cynical, "Ohhhh man, your life will be OVER! (snicker, snicker)" or "Hey, my advice--run now before it's too late (har, har, har)" or "Just let him win once in awhile, would ya? (wink wink)"...and instead heard:
"--Marriage is forever. You commit, and when you commit, you commit to the good times and the bad times. And there will be bad times. But you'll get through it. You will. Been married 30 years now, and I wouldn't change it for nothin."
Well, whaddya know, Gene. Looks like we speak the same language after all.
Pleasure doing business with you, sir.
(And uhh...sorry about all that.)