9.14.2010

And then I found five dollars.

I killed a fly yesterday at work.

It was all buzz buzzzzzz, hey look at me, taunting you by being creepy and landing on your computer screen while you wait for that stringy haired girl to come crawling out.

And I was all oh yeah? WHACK. What now?!

Except it got the last laugh because instead of just DYING like a NORMAL FLY and falling onto my desk, where I could easily scoop it into a trash can victoriously, it decided to spew its guts all over my computer screen.

I KNOW. Rude.

And THEN it got another posthumous laugh (prolonged last laugh? laster laugh?) this morning when I fell into my chair with that first cup of coffee and squinted in sheer terror at the teeny, tiny white flakes sprinkled across the corner of my computer screen. Precisely where Mr. Fly's guts resided just yesterday.

And I was like whaaaaat the crap is that?! Are they MOVING?! (They weren't moving.)

But why are there strange white sprinklings on my computer screen?
Are these microscopic maggots of some sort?! Seriously, ARE THEY MOVING?! (They still weren't moving.)

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT MAGGOTS LOOK LIKE! I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO USE THE WORD MAGGOT BEFORE I HAVE EVEN HAD A FREAKING CUP OF COFFEE!!! ARE THEY MOVING?!
(No.)

And the use of mental exclamations made my brain hurt.

And I couldn't help but recall the first time Adam and I went to a wedding together.

We weren't dating and thus the fact that my b-f-f asked me TO A WEDDING set all these alarms off in my head and resulted in me not eating anything but chocolate chips all day long. Because ADAM my B-F-F asked ME to a WEDDING. Which is like, not a date but not a nothing kind of situation, you know?! Plus he was really cute and nervous when he asked me. (Which I secretly enjoyed because it's nice to see the other person squirm sometimes, AM I RIGHT?!)

So there we were. Awkwardly accompanying each other to his co-worker's beautiful outdoor summer extravaganza. It was hot as Hades and I mentally thanked myself for wearing black (no pitstains, duh).

And we mingled. And we met a few people and had to do the delicate dance of introductions so people didn't get the wrong idea.

We decidde to take a seat and as people were beginning to meander toward the white chairs, I noticed some itty bitty hyphen-shaped white things on my left shoulder.

Weird. I thought, brushing them off aimlessly.

But then I noticed the very same hyphen-shaped white things on my right shoulder.

What the---? I thought but before I could freak out about DANDRUFF on my first-date-but-not-quite with my b-f-f, I spotted a few on my skirt. And belt. And HOLY CRAP THEY ARE EVERYWHERE!

Trying not to panic, I saw them on Adam's suit jacket as well. And the girl next to me. And the guy next to her.

And in fact we were all noticing them at this point. And Adam was looking nervously at me, wide-eyed, trying not to laugh, but also kind of afraid.

Because.

You see.

He knew something I was unable to admit to myself--

THEY WERE ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!

They were falling from the beautiful tree that so gracefully shaded the lawn.

A tree that was also SHEDDING LIVING WHITE VARMITS ALL OVER MY FREAKING DRESS.

And don't even MENTION what had to be in my hair. OH THE HORROR, I KNOW!

And right when I mustered the courage to ask, "Are they alive? Tell me the truth. Adam? Adam?! ADAM?!?!"...the bride started down the aisle.

So I did the only thing I thought appropriate. I squirmed and dusted as many little wretched LIVING BEINGS off my body as possible.

And then I shrugged my shoulders, elbowed Adam in the ribs and took a big gulp (or five) of the delicious summer brew that was handed to us at the door.

And if that isn't the beginning of a beautiful romance I don't know what is.

4 comments:

jessieg said...

I would have flipped out. I call on Jonathan in a cape for all thing ALIVE! Even if they're in the house, the garage, or outside. They're in my territory. Be gone you non-human crawly varments!

kk said...

PLEASE write a book.
PLEASE.

kimberly said...

I just adore you sara.
I finished jane eyre this summer! just watched the bbc miniseries last week...it was d.a.r.k.

Sara said...

Jessica--Seriously. We are SO on the same page. Adam keeps telling me to "share the planet." He gets an eye roll.

KK--You are so nice to me. Let's discuss options over pancakes...? ;)

Kim--Thank you friend! Such kind words. :) I am ashamed to say I've never made it through Jane Eyre and thought of giving up...but now things are REALLY getting interesting and I am loving it! Have to keep flipping to the notes in the back though. Such smart writers back then! I wonder if the miniseries is on Netflix...hmmm....